Last night, my mother straight-up, seriously asked me if I was on drugs. Totally taken aback, I was forced to explain my recent behavior, which I didn't really scream druggie, but I guess has been a little withdrawn and spacey. I guess I put up to this feeling of being trapped. I'm not unhappy or anything, my life should be completely content, I seem to have everything I could need or want at the moment. I'm just experiencing this need to bust out, like there's something out there that I need to discover in order to realize where I'm headed right now.

Excited to see old friends that have been away for so long, or that I even lost touch with. Sometimes it's like they never left, sometimes it's like getting to know a whole new person.

When someone resurfaces unexpectedly, I also feel unsure about how to handle that encounter, whether I missed them, or think, hey there's a reason you don't really talk to this person often.

Not enough space

I love rain! The sound and smell are just intoxicating to me. I finally sucked it up and played in the rain today, from one fresh shower into another one. I'm not sure how I tucked away my inner child for a while, that I feel like I've missed some things that I should be experiencing at this point in my life. Like I'm only waiting for something to happen and I don't see what is right in front of me. It was nice to let go, and remember the silly things in life that have always made me so happy, while others fluxuate too much.

Do you ever wish that someone could just know how you are feeling without words? Not having to ask, but knowing that they will be there anyways... Ever thought that it was possible, just to be wrong?

Frustration just brings out the pessimist in me. I'm beginning to wonder what's the point, if I already know what's going to happen?

When will I feel safe again, and know that life is just dandy?

Today, I had an appreciation dinner for those freshies that have taken me out to dinner at the dorms It was a nice study date. It's wierd, that I finally feel older, because of them. Have I gotten stuffy? Can I really not relate to the fun, silly stuff anymore? I didn't think so, but I guess my ability to let go of the walls that keep myself safe has escaped me, and I don't know  how I can shine through anymore.

I had an interesting conversation last night, with an old friend...about the investments of romance and love. It's all about worth, and who has it. I think I'm ready to let go of some cynism, but really, you have to know the possibility of outcomes, and think whether you really want to risk it. Because most of the time, there really is someone out there better. It's ridiculus to think this is it, and no one else will ever care the same.

Missing New York, and the sense of a new beginning. Maybe after some real rest and TLC, I can see the world in a new light again.